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The Journey of Bipolar Disorder | Inside the Mind of a Bipolar Person (Part 2)

  • Writer: Mihir Bhushan Bhole
    Mihir Bhushan Bhole
  • Jul 3, 2020
  • 5 min read

Updated: Jul 4, 2020

Friday 03/07/2020, Mihir Bhushan Bhole.




[Disclaimer: The interviewee (Sandip Dust) has agreed to allow publication of their name and details to S&S, and has allowed for a complete analysis of their words. This is a full written interview that I conducted for S&S and has been written from an Audio recording, available in full, to both the interviewee and S&S.

Any Opinions stated by both parties are fully independent of the opinions of each other and should be treated as such. Any reference to Study Material, or External Media, shall be linked to inside the article, as well as at the end of the interview.

This interview was not a medical counsel. S&S does not have the authority to publish or conduct medical counselling, and hence, should not be contacted for it.]



This is the full interview that I recorded on 28/06/2020. It has been divided into parts for ease of categorisation and media sharing.

Part 1: Your Relationship with a Bipolar Brain. Go to Part 1.

Part 2: Journey of Bipolar Disorder. (You are here)

Part 3: The World of Mental Illness. Go to Part 3.

Simple Summary: (Coming Soon)




Part 2: Journey of Bipolar Disorder.


Q. What are the two phases, exactly, and what behaviour did you show during these two phases?

A. Two phases: Manic and Depressive. In the Manic phase, you get unrealistic and untrue encouraging impulses. Once I thought I was the Second Resurrection of Jesus Christ. I’d send messages to my girlfriend and my exes about my profound connection to God, how I’m a manifestation of God, how he talks to me. Sometimes I’d feel like I’m the best book writer, and I’d start writing a book. Two days later, I’d feel like learning a new language or musical instrument. Some day, I’d see myself learning Law/Psychology etc., maybe even trying to be an Astronaut. This is what happens; you get these grandiose beliefs about your own self, and you’d engage in impulsive activities, especially spending money. I’d buy things in the heat of the moment, that I would not need at all. I’d burn money equivalent to an entry-level Software Engineer’s month-pay, within 15 days. It is reckless, yes. I got addicted to Smoking and a lotta other addictions.

Also, in the Manic Phase, Insomnia is a very common symptom. I’d be playing games, watching movies, anything other than sleeping. In the Depressive phase, however, I’d be sleeping for 16-18 hours a day. I’d forget to take a shower, brushing my teeth, my basic hygiene, for days. I’d keep having suicidal thoughts, thought of my life being worthless. It’s better to end this misery, etc.

It can be very clear for a keen observer.

[It looks like there is a clear-cut switch between these two phases, and it’d be very clear for a keen observer.]

Yeah, you’d be able to clearly discern from my excessive sleep hours that I may be in the Depressive phase, and if you’d see me bouncing about, very high-spirited, then you’d tell I’m in my Manic phase. The only medicine that works is Lithium, and scientists still don’t fully know it’s mechanisms.


Q. How, exactly, did this affect your academic pathway? How did it harm you from reaching this point in life?

A. When I rejoined JU Kolkatta in Aug 2017. I thought I had a second chance. I thought I’d finish Chemical Engineering and then switch into Computer Science. I had completely forgotten that Chemical Engineering is very tough. I pushed hard; I’d note down lectures myself, I’d study every day for my exams, and yet I couldn’t pass. Towards the beginning of 2018, I had around 22 backlogs. Now, I tried a lot. Whenever I’d open a book, I’d open one page, maybe two, and fall asleep. At one point, I had to clear 12 backlogs in a single week; right then, my body and brain just gave up entirely. I’d sleep through the days of examinations; I wouldn’t even enter JU, even though it was barely 2 mins by road. I couldn’t sleep soundly either because all my dreams were getting crushed. I tried so hard, yet I could see no way out. It was a very miserable time.

I had a complete mental breakdown. I used to live at the dormitory; I had 2 rooms, both looked like trash alleys. I didn’t even have the energy to clean them. I didn’t have food for like, a week. No human contact for 4-5 days, except while going for food. At one time, I realise I could never finish Chemical Engineering. Then, I decided to leave JU, which was a tough decision. In total, I had lost 6 years of life to this. I went back to my parents’ house. I was so desperate, I’d ask my American friends to send me money. I tried Committing Suicide in various ways. I’d study about it on r/watchpeopledie, and do that kind of research. I even asked my American friends to take me in as a servant/butler for life, because I didn’t even have the strength to walk. It would take me 4-5 mins, just to sit up in bed while waking up.

My condition stayed this way until I learned about a guy who did Chemical Engineering from IIT Delhi. He couldn’t complete his degree in 6 years, then finished it in a private college, then remained unemployed until he cracked the CAT Exam. His story gave me hope, and I approached my parents to enrol for B.Tech again. Finally, I convinced my mom to get me enrolled for graduation because it is worthless to live in India without a Degree of some sort. You might as well beg on the streets, and that is not what I wanted to see for myself. My father was not happy; he did not pay me to enrol, and I had to take loans to do so. Another inspiration for me, was Zach Saucier, another full-stack web developer, who inspired me to do the same around 2018. The job that I do now is due to him; he inspired me to be what I am now.


Q. What idea or prompt, in your opinion, allowed you to get control over Bipolar disorder? How did you “win”, so to speak?

A. Have you seen “Joker”, the movie?

[I haven’t watched it, I plan to, yes.]

You should watch it. People with Mental Health Issues are one of the most well-behaved people on planet Earth. You’d see, that they don’t normally misbehave with other people, because they are receivers of trauma themselves. I’d say that I follow this idea as well, regardless of my phase. If a person continues to hurt him, then I wouldn’t hesitate to go “eye for an eye”, so to speak. For the past few days, for example, I’ve been very low.

About the Medicine, i:e Lithium, it makes me very sleepy, like, all day. However, if I don’t take the medication, I experience the rollercoaster of Bipolarity in full force. If I take the meds, I’ll be very sleepy, which is against productivity. I am currently in an Internship, and taking the meds would hamper my goal of ~ 6 hrs every weekday. That is the reason I quit my Meds for a while recently, because I took it 3-4 days back, which made me sleep the whole day after. Even today, I was feeling suicidal throughout the day, and only food made me happy.

There is no end to this disorder, and there is no cure. The Lithium meds have horrible side-effects. It’s a choose-your-poison situation, so to speak. Ecologically speaking, I’m much better than before. Right now, I’m set for life, but honestly speaking, I don’t think I’ll “win”, per se.




This concludes Part 2 of the interview.



Summary will come soon.



Interview conducted by Mihir Bhushan Bhole for Simplified & Streamlined.

You can find Sandip Dust at


Contact me at


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